He sends angels... does my Lord Jesus Christ!

The phone rang at 03h00 on Saturday 12 Septermber. The loud ring in the quiet of the early morning startled me, and for a moment I could only stare at the flashing screen on my mobile, whislt my anxious heart beat faster and faster. Who was it, what has happened, what can it be, was this bad news...again? After the early morning call during late December 2005 from my twin sister, one that told of the sudden tragic death of my brother, I was scared.

I answered, and as I did, I heard news that made my heart sink to my feet. Surely this was not true, I must be dreaming, I need to wake from this nightmare. But as I pinched myself I knew that the horrific news was for real. It was the same anxious voice from 2005, my twin sister was on the other end blurting the terrible and unbelieveable news...Cheryl, Curtis is dead, Curtis has gone!!!

Curtis, her 21 year old son was driving home in his VW with a friend after dropping another friend home from a night out. As he approached and passed through a green traffic signal at a four-way intersection, he was struck on his right driver side, by a racing ambulance that also acknowledged a green light from his side. Both sides bore green lights? The ambulance shunted the helpless VW sideways across the road causing it to ride up a traffic light, fly into the air, hitting a huge over-hanging branch of a tree, before landing on its four wheels ontop of the now fallen and terribly broken traffic light. Curtis did not have a chance of survival and slumped over his steering wheel, was declared deceased at the scene. His lifeless body was removed from the wreck, after the door was removed, and placed immediately into a body bad for passage to the mortuary. His friend in the passenger seat was alive and was admitted to ICU and is today recovering from his physical wounds but emotionally..., will he ever be fully healed after losing his best friend?

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The funeral followed on the Thursday with an amazing attendance, evidence of the popular boy Curtis was. Obviously it was an extremely emotional time and one I pray that I will never have to experience with my own.

I wrote a poem for Curtis and spoke, as difficult as it was, at his funeral. I brought Jesus into what I shared with beautiful illustrations. I spoke about how Jesus only picks his best flowers in full bloom and how He must be fighting one heck of a war up in the heavenlies to be taking so many young men. I spoke of how gorgeous Curtis looked the last time I saw him in his work attire and could only imagine that he must look even more so in his righteous armour.

This is the poem I wrote for him, one I shared at the funeral too:

His character was bold and strong

The light and soul of many an event

And although he didn't stay long

Curtis won hearts wherever he went

He was such a mature young lad

Only just having turned twenty one

A strong willed boy but not bad

An amazing loving brother and son

He knew of trials and the ride

Of the life we all wrestle in today

But he took it all in his stride

Always finding and managing his way

And although he is no longer here

His memory will live on forever

Because always in our hearts he'll stay near

And to forget him we will never

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Romans 14:28 (NKJV)

For if we live, we live to the Lord: and if we die, we die to the Lord

I don't know where his heart was with Jesus, and it's not for me or for any to judge or assume because God is the only Judge and the only one who knows our destiny, even for us who believe and hope for our promised eternal gift.

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But what I do know, is that Jesus loves each and every one of us the same, regardless of the lives we have led and I believe that before He takes any home, he seeks our hearts one last time and offers us His Kingdom to share with him. I believe that Curtis was ready by God's will for the picking and I believe that God sent an angel to him before he passed away. And this I know because of a story I was told after the funeral by one of my sister's friends, a story clearly sent by God for my spiritual ears.

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There was a guy unknown to any who was sitting in one of the back rows of the church near this lady. During the service, which by the way was definately heaven sent and submitted to our Pastor who was clearly annoited with the message he shared, this guy introduced himself. He apparently said, "I am a police reservist and I held Curtis before he died". Before she could get a name and number, he was gone and was not to be found again. How could this be when Curtis was declared deceased at the scene before he was removed from the VW. He was clearly an angel who was sent by God to allow us knowledge that our darling Curtis was not alone, he was with his angel who was sent by our amazing Father God who loves Curtis as much as He loves you and me, a love so huge and beyond our imaginations.

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How wonderfully awesome He is, our Lord, Father and God.

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Oh Lord, I want to thank You for loving Curtis the way You do, for sending his angel to hold him and to share Your amazing awesome love with him. And sweet Jesus, You can see the broken hearts that have been left behind and I just pray that Your hand would be over all his family to hold them and allow them to know and feel the unconditional love that You have for them. I pray that they would allow You to take their pain and replace it with Your amazing peace. I love You Jesus and I ask for Your continued protection over us all, in Your precious name I pray, amen.

My Lord, my Redeemer... the faithful "I am"!

In May, a situation arose that rendered it necessary for me to go to the UK to be with my boys. They needed me to be close to go through some rough waters with them, and my older son, made it possible for the visit to happen.

When they arrived in the UK in 2002, they walked, as young boys, into a world unfamiliar to what they were used to, without any Godly influence to guide them in the ways they should go, away from the evils that were lurking and anxious to draw them into those deep dark unknown places. Because of this, they spent many years enduring pains and situations that they did not deserve. They were forced to grow up before their time. It has been a long tough journey and I praise God for the young men they have turned out to be, because, with all they have suffered, they are still well mannered, considerate, responsible and decent guys. Sadly, their heart strings have been messed with so loving is not something they do so easy for fear of being torn apart...That's a little history of where they have been and what they have been through.

So, the bottom line is, they have not had any live in or around Christian influences and so drew away from the God that has never left them. Both boys gave their lives of their own free will when they lived in Zimbabwe and so have always had their Creator holding them in the palm of His hands, keeping them safely away from the edges. He has allowed them to run freely in His palm, knowing that one day they would see Him again and return to the place where He needs them to be because He is a faithful and loving God who wants all His children with Him in His Kingdom when Jesus returns.

I believe that God orchestrated my visit for His glory in that He guided me to a specific church that housed a good friend of my older son. I went to the church on my own and my son, on picking me up, met this friend who thereafter invited him to a mens breakfast. He went along and took his brother, my younger son, and his dad with him. This was the start of a beautiful new begining. This all happened after I had been and left again.

Since all this, my younger son, who once suggested that he would like to be a pastor when he grew up, has recommitted his life to His Father and Lord, Jesus Christ, and is loving being in the hub of fellowship with other Christians who love Jesus too. He is moving forward at a rate of knots that only God can control and it is absolutlely wonderful. Without a doubt, God is drawing my older son in and I know that in His time, he will find the joy in the Lord that he so needs.

I am very proud of my boys and my beautiful daughter who loves Jesus and follows His will in her life. I am so very blessed and I thank my Jesus, my Redeemer, my Lord and Creator for His faithfulness in bringing my boys, His children, back to the place that they need to be in Him.

Prayer:
Lord Jesus, thank You for the unconditional love that You have for us and for never letting go of Your own. Your faithfulness is a saving grace and is what I hold onto very tightly because it is in You that I trust and You alone. You are an amazing God and I pray that we would forever rememeber this in everything we do say and think and I pray that we would forever rightfully glorify Your name and never forget that You are in control...total control.Thank You for the life I enjoy in You and for the blessings of my husband and children whom I love so dearly I love You Jesus and I pray all this in Your precious name, amen.

DESIRES OF THE HEART!

From as far back as I can remember, I have enjoyed the sounds that guitars produce, be them bass, electric, aucostic, bango and so on. Hence my hooked on guitar CD's. Howewver, it never dawned on me that I could possibly play so it never happened that I attempted to learn.

And, I have always loved music, from childhood up till now. I sing at any given opportunity, be it a singalong with songs on the radio, or in melody with a song on CD, or in melody with the leader of our worship team and so on, I just love to sing.

Then, writing is a gift I've accepted, acknowledged and love. I write Christian inspirational for my Redeemer Jesus Christ. One of my loves of writing is poetry and songwriting. Although with my songwriting, I am unable to put music to most which is very frustrating. When I have sought help it turns out that people take my words for their own benefit and claim them as theirs, so I have been put off asking for help. My songs are written from deep emotional aspects of my life and it is my desire to sing them myself, not to pass on for others who would not sing with the same depth and understanding I would.

Right, now that all my cards for this story are on the table, I can share what I really want to.

I asked at church if anyone had an old aucostic guitar lying around that I could borrow and try learn to play. Sean said yes and so brought it in for me to use. I was so very excited when I carried it off to my car to take home. My intention was to teach myself over the internet cause I am not able to afford lessons. I happened to mention this to Daan who is a renowned musican at church and he invited me for lessons with him... for free. Whoopee!

So, I am learning the instrument that I love the most and am praying that God will make it possible for me to learn and play.

I am sure this is what God intends for us to do, to pick up on desires that He lays on our hearts so that He can enjoy as we learn. I believe that the way this all happened is from God, that He placed the appropriate people in my path for His benefit because, as the Creator of all, I know that He enjoys music and would love for me to play and sing and continue to write more songs, to glorify His almighty and awesome name. I say this cause all the songs I have are about Him and His presence in my life.

Thank you Lord for the gifts You bestow on us, for the Creator that You are and for Your love of us as we live to glorify Your amazing name. InJesus name I pray, amen.

NO CHOICE!

Yesterday I made history as I received my first traffic fine, first that I can ever recall that is.

We have been living here in Durban for nearly six years and we drove down here in our two Zimbabwe registered vehicles. They were fully paid for at the time so we figured that it was worth importing them because we would not be able to afford new ones.

We arrived with the good intentions of registering our vehicles as soon as possible, after sorting our residency first that was. Well, that cost a load of money so we had to wait a while to get more money in. So, we put our priority's in order, we'd buy a house and thereafter we would sort our cars out with the monies left over, however, there was none left, we just made the deposit requirement. Okay, so our residency was in the process of being sorted and was paid for, we now had a house which offered a level of security, so the wait was on for the little extra to sort our cars.

Then we started having real bad money problems, to the point a church was helping us with groceries and school fees, so the wait was on again. We had no choice, we were unable to do anything with our cars. The law is that if a vehicle is not licensed, you should not drive it, well, we had no choice, we had to step out of line with the law because if we stopped driving, we would have stopped living. So we basically drove around just praying that we would not get caught. We prayed but did not think about God's hand continuously over our cars, we just took it for granted and did not think to give specific thanks on a regular basis, but still prayed.

This situation prevailed for over five years, I would get the documents in order and be ready to submit them, believing it was all go with the money ready, then wham, we'd hit another financial dilemma. During all this time, we were never stopped by the police, even though we passed through many road blocks, somehow they just never bothered with us, until this last week. I was the only car on the road and they had no body else to stop so I was it. I was asked if the vehicle was licensed and I could of easily lied but I find the truth much easier to tell. The truth earned me a R600.00 fine, which upset me profusely.

Anyway, later on in the day, I found myself giving thanks for this being the first and only time in the past five years, for being protected for so long. I decided to get to the licencing office that afternoon and found out that we have to pay the last two years licence fees, a huge amount of money which we don't have, for which again I gave thanks. We got away with nearly six years which would have been a whole lot more, what a blessing.

So in all my worry and concern, God met me at the end of my upset and allowed me to see the situation for what it was, a blessing. And although we are once again in that horrible place of watching every last cent, I am beyond worrying because I realised that God has looked after us the whole way through, why would he suddenly stop now when the need was more dire.

Thank You Lord Jesus, for being with us, even when we did not acknowledge You were there, for Your constant blessings that have taken us five years to realise. Thank You for this learning curve and for showing me that You are always close, at the time I most needed to see this truth. You are an awesome God and I will love You forever. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

BACK SEAT!

Galatians 3:26-28 (NKJV)
Sons and Heirs
26 For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. 27 For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Many believe if they surrender their lives that's it, they have a free ticket into heaven without any further to do. Well, sorry to be a bubble burster, but that is not exactly true.

You see, giving your life is just one part of a special journey, before baptism, to that awesome place of eternal hope called 'Heaven'. It is part of a process that should bring us closer to a wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ. I say should because when we choose to be baptized, it is because of a desire that God implants into our hearts after we have surrendered our lives to Him and accepted Him as our Redeemer.

I am able to say this because I was guilty of doing the lawful deed that the church required. I only gave my life and believed it was all that was required. I continued to live the way I always did, of the world, however, I suffered conviction like never before, and did not understand why.

You see, you can't give to God and expect to take back, it does not work. He takes what you give Him and holds onto it forever, and as He holds He works. His ways are not like that of man and so every time you step out of line, He lets you know supernaturally. He then guides you the right way. We can choose to accept His way or we can continue on our own.

I, for quite some time, held onto what I thought was right. Consequently, I kept on suffering on my own with no way of relieving the stress. I never read my bible or sought any help from the church because I stopped attending, as there seemed to be better ways to spent my time. My life continued the same, without any of the blissful fruit that God so wanted me to enjoy from Him.

God placed the appropriate people of His choice in my way. In time, conviction drove me closer to God and I started attending church again because of an inner desire to seek what I did not really understand. I started to understand my convictions and where they were coming from. Instead of following the ways of man, I adopted a new way of life, the life that Jesus was so desperately wanting me to lead. It was not long before the fruits of righteousness started tasting so good, to the point where I wanted them more and more.

I grew closer and closer until being baptized in the Holy Spirit did not come as a command from the church, but rather as a deep desire of my heart. I desired to die of old and be born into newness with God. I needed to be faithful to Him and not lawful to man as before.

Now, when I stumble, I love the conviction I suffer because it helps me to refocus on where and what and how I should be, and God's loving arms have become a place I love to rest after a fall.

So, the moral of this story is, don't stop just because you believe the road ends and you do not need to move on, on the contrary, the road does not end at all, it just gets narrower and you need to focus more and keep your eyes on it. It gets narrower as you move closer to God, but as it thins out, so God grows bigger in you as He takes over the controls of your life. He becomes your driver so that you can take a back seat and trust in His lead.

Lord Jesus, thank You for being the driver of my life, and for allowing me to be the passenger I need to be. However, please forgive me for the times when I try to step in and take over again, and as I do, put me back into the backseat where I belong, in Jesus name I pray, amen.

I LET MY GUARD DOWN!

As the glands in my neck expanded, so the pain crept in, this was the start of my Monday morning. It was not too bad, although swallowing what seemed to be rough germ balls was no fun. My left ear felt like it had a blowtorch that triggered every time a swallow was initiated. Somewhat uncomfortable but livable.

This continued through to Tuesday and by evening I felt that the germs had lost me, their victim, after defeat by the vitamin C that I had absorbed in tablet form. So, I let my guard down and stopped all the defense devices that I had implemented. I then got on the phone and spent a good 30 minutes plus talking and laughing so much, not even thinking about my recent viral enemy.

Wednesday began with the start of a nightmare. The glands in my throat had been attacked during the night, whilst there was no defense force in sight. They were severely swollen leaving less than a narrow passage for food, but more so, for speech and swallowing. Every swallow accommodated huge sand paper coated fireballs. They arrived from nowhere and landed at the back of my tongue causing a need to swallow. As the muscles in the throat adhered to this need, the fire balls rolled down and back up as if on a mission to cause as much pain as possible. The blowtorch in my ear had divided and was now blowing continuous streams of fire from the base of both ears right to the opening. This was a raging battle and one I knew I had to now live out all because I let my guard down. By midday, there was no speech that was able to exit and the fire balls intensified in size and numbers..., it was horrific.

Thursday rolled in after a sleepless pain staking night, and by now the fireballs had improved their design to make their attack as effectively awful as possible. They had moved into the chest cavity and had managed to secure what seemed like bungee ropes onto the base of the chest. Their weaponry had improved too as the sandpaper had been replaced with ferocious killer like spikes. They lined up in huge numbers with a strategy plan that brought tears to my eyes. It was as if they all jumped around together, achieving their desire of creating an itchy scratchy irritation which caused the inevitable..., a cough. This allowed air to leave my lungs creating a vortex that flung them up and through the vocal passage and into and out the throat area. Just as they reached the mouth opening, the bungee cord forced them to retract and forcibly retreat back down the vocal passage. During their flight, both ways, the spikes ripped into the surrounding swollen gland tissue, savagely throwing raging burning flames, as fireballs do.

I tried not to cough or swallow but was losing terribly. The vitamin C was being pumped back into my system but the army of these vitamins had a lot of work to do to achieve the fighting force needed to swamp and drown the disease riddled germ spiked fireballs.

Then came Friday with the ensuing battle still raging inside of me. This battle was exhausting and sleep a difficult task. The vicious fireballs continued their attack whilst the vitamin C was building an internal firewall that would hopefully resort them to nothingness. Most importantly though, would be the answer to the prayers for my healing.

Saturday dawned and the nasty fireballs had lost so much power that speech, swallowing, yawning and eating had become somewhat easier. Their army was dwindling, they were being defeated and their immense power was diminishing. By Saturday evening, the only thing left was brusied open wounded tissues and a sore throat. Nothing in comparrison to the nightmare those viral spiky fireball germs had caused.

It seemed evident to me that I let my guard down, but Idid not, it was my loving awesome Father God who was blessing me with special time that He needed me to focus on Him. During those days that I was resorted to no speech and my bed, I was spirtually blessed with desires to write as God needs me to write. Having experienced a recent dry spell with writing and feeling that maybe God had given up on me as a chosen writer for Him, He allowed me to be in a rest induced place where I could not talk, but rather be still and rest in Him. I spend 2 1/2 days in bed, and during that time, I did not focus too much on the uncomfortable pain, but more on the desired inspirations to write and write, which I did for the glory of Jesus Christ. I believe He allowed this dilema because He needed me to be still and know that above all, He is God and He still requires me to write to glorify His name. I wrote more during this time than I have written in the last 3 months, for which I praise and thank my wonderful Heavenly Father God. I have no regrets of the fireball nightmare, only endless praises to God, for allowing me the wonderful time I enjoyed with Him.

So, when you think you are losing, know that in Christ you will never lose, for as long as you allow Him to work His will in You, you can comfortably rest in Him. In Him is the place that He wants you and me to be, no matter what battle may be raging in or around you.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth.

HE WILL BE.... FOREVER !

On the 23 October, I wrote about a crash without the smash. After that, I proceeded to prepare for the callings of all those family and self things we do before we lay our heads down to rest at night. I went inside, ran a bath, was milling around when the phone rang.

Mike, my husband, (out of character) jumped up before any of us could to answer it, presumably as I thought because he was expecting a call. But it was not for him, it was for me. My older son Dustyn, who lives in the UK, was on the other end.

I always enjoy hearing from my boys, especially that we live so far apart with as much as 5 years between our last time together. So I walked over to speak to him. He had been dealing with some issues over there and it seemed as we spoke that he was encountering some more of the same.

He started by saying, "Hi mom..., mom, we have a problem in that we have no where to stay again for the next 3 1/2 weeks."

I answered, "oh no my darling, what now?" He continued, "well if you come and open the gate, I'll tell you all about it." Then he hooted and I heard the hooter over the telephone line.... and outside too. Insanity took over and I put the phone down and started wrecklessly screaming "Dustyn is here, he's at the gate." Cherise, Dustyn's younger sister, just stood staring, total disbelief in her face, "is this true', her eyes were asking with dead pan expression?

Mike was totally flustered and irritated by my behaviour, and threatened to beat the scream out of me and insisted that he was not opening the gate until I shut up, but I couldn't, this was too much for my mind to fathom. Goodness, I had not seen my son for 5 years plus. How could any mother be expected to behave in a sane manner. Cherise too, how could she behave like a good child, this was her brother at the gate, come on, get real!

The screaming eventually subsided and the door was opened so that we could open the gate for Dustyn. When I saw him, I ran and jumped on him and held on, just in case this was an illusion, I was not going to allow it to get away from me..., no way. He held onto me but could only laugh at how I was behaving. The last time I saw him he was a young lad of 18, now he was a man of 23..., wow. However, in saying this, I still saw the boy that I remembered.

He had decided to surprise me but Mike knew all about his intentions and of course planned it with him. What an awesome thing to do, what a wonderful way to cause happiness in my life. He stayed 3 1/2 weeks, had a wonderful time, and is now back home in the UK.

My younger son Cheyne, whom I also only saw about 5 years ago at the age of 16, is expected to be here early next year for a visit too, he is 21 going on for 22. Obviously I can't wait and maybe, just maybe he'll like it that much that he will consider moving back to this part of the world so that we can be together again.

Living apart has been very painful, the void in my heart growing over time into a huge wound infected cavity, with exposure of the 'apart' truth a painful daily reality. Sure, technology makes it so we can talk as much as we want and with webcams we can even watch live videos of each other, but it does not take away the pain of not being able to share the one on one quality time, the physical touch, to see their gorgeous faces in front of me, it's just not the same.

But with God, I don't feel that pain, I don't feel lonely, I don't wonder when I'm going to see Him again or if He will be online for me to talk to, I don't feel empty and don't sit and long for just a while together again. And that's because where ever I am, God is. He hears when I call and is able to fill any voids that may be exposed. He is able to satisfy any need I may have to spend some unexpected time with Him because He is forever available and waits on me to call Him when I feel needy. He is the essense of my fullness and with Him in my space, and me in His pasture, I feel no need for anything but more of Him.

So, it don't matter where I am, I will never be alone without God in close..., very close proximity. He knows my pain and is the only one that knows how to fill my deep inner needs when I am missing my boys or when I just feel down and in need of some REAL love.

The moral of this story is even though you may be away from your loved ones, God, the one who loves you more than any other, your Father eternal and amazing creator, is forever with you as He guides you to become His sheep in His awesome pasture. Go on..., call on Him and He will prove what I am saying as true.

Psalm 95:7
For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand.