Sunday, November 23, 2008

As the glands in my neck expanded, so the pain crept in, this was the start of my Monday morning. It was not too bad, although swallowing what seemed to be rough germ balls was no fun. My left ear felt like it had a blowtorch that triggered every time a swallow was initiated. Somewhat uncomfortable but livable.
This continued through to Tuesday and by evening I felt that the germs had lost me, their victim, after defeat by the vitamin C that I had absorbed in tablet form. So, I let my guard down and stopped all the defense devices that I had implemented. I then got on the phone and spent a good 30 minutes plus talking and laughing so much, not even thinking about my recent viral enemy.
Wednesday began with the start of a nightmare. The glands in my throat had been attacked during the night, whilst there was no defense force in sight. They were severely swollen leaving less than a narrow passage for food, but more so, for speech and swallowing. Every swallow accommodated huge sand paper coated fireballs. They arrived from nowhere and landed at the back of my tongue causing a need to swallow. As the muscles in the throat adhered to this need, the fire balls rolled down and back up as if on a mission to cause as much pain as possible. The blowtorch in my ear had divided and was now blowing continuous streams of fire from the base of both ears right to the opening. This was a raging battle and one I knew I had to now live out all because I let my guard down. By midday, there was no speech that was able to exit and the fire balls intensified in size and numbers..., it was horrific.
Thursday rolled in after a sleepless pain staking night, and by now the fireballs had improved their design to make their attack as effectively awful as possible. They had moved into the chest cavity and had managed to secure what seemed like bungee ropes onto the base of the chest. Their weaponry had improved too as the sandpaper had been replaced with ferocious killer like spikes. They lined up in huge numbers with a strategy plan that brought tears to my eyes. It was as if they all jumped around together, achieving their desire of creating an itchy scratchy irritation which caused the inevitable..., a cough. This allowed air to leave my lungs creating a vortex that flung them up and through the vocal passage and into and out the throat area. Just as they reached the mouth opening, the bungee cord forced them to retract and forcibly retreat back down the vocal passage. During their flight, both ways, the spikes ripped into the surrounding swollen gland tissue, savagely throwing raging burning flames, as fireballs do.
I tried not to cough or swallow but was losing terribly. The vitamin C was being pumped back into my system but the army of these vitamins had a lot of work to do to achieve the fighting force needed to swamp and drown the disease riddled germ spiked fireballs.
Then came Friday with the ensuing battle still raging inside of me. This battle was exhausting and sleep a difficult task. The vicious fireballs continued their attack whilst the vitamin C was building an internal firewall that would hopefully resort them to nothingness. Most importantly though, would be the answer to the prayers for my healing.
Saturday dawned and the nasty fireballs had lost so much power that speech, swallowing, yawning and eating had become somewhat easier. Their army was dwindling, they were being defeated and their immense power was diminishing. By Saturday evening, the only thing left was brusied open wounded tissues and a sore throat. Nothing in comparrison to the nightmare those viral spiky fireball germs had caused.
It seemed evident to me that I let my guard down, but Idid not, it was my loving awesome Father God who was blessing me with special time that He needed me to focus on Him. During those days that I was resorted to no speech and my bed, I was spirtually blessed with desires to write as God needs me to write. Having experienced a recent dry spell with writing and feeling that maybe God had given up on me as a chosen writer for Him, He allowed me to be in a rest induced place where I could not talk, but rather be still and rest in Him. I spend 2 1/2 days in bed, and during that time, I did not focus too much on the uncomfortable pain, but more on the desired inspirations to write and write, which I did for the glory of Jesus Christ. I believe He allowed this dilema because He needed me to be still and know that above all, He is God and He still requires me to write to glorify His name. I wrote more during this time than I have written in the last 3 months, for which I praise and thank my wonderful Heavenly Father God. I have no regrets of the fireball nightmare, only endless praises to God, for allowing me the wonderful time I enjoyed with Him.
So, when you think you are losing, know that in Christ you will never lose, for as long as you allow Him to work His will in You, you can comfortably rest in Him. In Him is the place that He wants you and me to be, no matter what battle may be raging in or around you.
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


On the 23 October, I wrote about a crash without the smash. After that, I proceeded to prepare for the callings of all those family and self things we do before we lay our heads down to rest at night. I went inside, ran a bath, was milling around when the phone rang.

Mike, my husband, (out of character) jumped up before any of us could to answer it, presumably as I thought because he was expecting a call. But it was not for him, it was for me. My older son Dustyn, who lives in the UK, was on the other end.

I always enjoy hearing from my boys, especially that we live so far apart with as much as 5 years between our last time together. So I walked over to speak to him. He had been dealing with some issues over there and it seemed as we spoke that he was encountering some more of the same.

He started by saying, "Hi mom..., mom, we have a problem in that we have no where to stay again for the next 3 1/2 weeks."

I answered, "oh no my darling, what now?" He continued, "well if you come and open the gate, I'll tell you all about it." Then he hooted and I heard the hooter over the telephone line.... and outside too. Insanity took over and I put the phone down and started wrecklessly screaming "Dustyn is here, he's at the gate." Cherise, Dustyn's younger sister, just stood staring, total disbelief in her face, "is this true', her eyes were asking with dead pan expression?

Mike was totally flustered and irritated by my behaviour, and threatened to beat the scream out of me and insisted that he was not opening the gate until I shut up, but I couldn't, this was too much for my mind to fathom. Goodness, I had not seen my son for 5 years plus. How could any mother be expected to behave in a sane manner. Cherise too, how could she behave like a good child, this was her brother at the gate, come on, get real!

The screaming eventually subsided and the door was opened so that we could open the gate for Dustyn. When I saw him, I ran and jumped on him and held on, just in case this was an illusion, I was not going to allow it to get away from me..., no way. He held onto me but could only laugh at how I was behaving. The last time I saw him he was a young lad of 18, now he was a man of 23..., wow. However, in saying this, I still saw the boy that I remembered.

He had decided to surprise me but Mike knew all about his intentions and of course planned it with him. What an awesome thing to do, what a wonderful way to cause happiness in my life. He stayed 3 1/2 weeks, had a wonderful time, and is now back home in the UK.

My younger son Cheyne, whom I also only saw about 5 years ago at the age of 16, is expected to be here early next year for a visit too, he is 21 going on for 22. Obviously I can't wait and maybe, just maybe he'll like it that much that he will consider moving back to this part of the world so that we can be together again.

Living apart has been very painful, the void in my heart growing over time into a huge wound infected cavity, with exposure of the 'apart' truth a painful daily reality. Sure, technology makes it so we can talk as much as we want and with webcams we can even watch live videos of each other, but it does not take away the pain of not being able to share the one on one quality time, the physical touch, to see their gorgeous faces in front of me, it's just not the same.

But with God, I don't feel that pain, I don't feel lonely, I don't wonder when I'm going to see Him again or if He will be online for me to talk to, I don't feel empty and don't sit and long for just a while together again. And that's because where ever I am, God is. He hears when I call and is able to fill any voids that may be exposed. He is able to satisfy any need I may have to spend some unexpected time with Him because He is forever available and waits on me to call Him when I feel needy. He is the essense of my fullness and with Him in my space, and me in His pasture, I feel no need for anything but more of Him.

So, it don't matter where I am, I will never be alone without God in close..., very close proximity. He knows my pain and is the only one that knows how to fill my deep inner needs when I am missing my boys or when I just feel down and in need of some REAL love.

The moral of this story is even though you may be away from your loved ones, God, the one who loves you more than any other, your Father eternal and amazing creator, is forever with you as He guides you to become His sheep in His awesome pasture. Go on..., call on Him and He will prove what I am saying as true.

Psalm 95:7
For he is our God, and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand.